Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
