So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he puts the penis in happiness.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
