Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize