The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
porn star boner night. come get it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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