before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
