At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize