I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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