I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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