I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
