I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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