I think I won the penis lottery.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
