I cannot find my penis.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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