No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
