A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
