just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
