so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
