literally had 100 drinks last night.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
