I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Moan for me like Helen Keller
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize