Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize