I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
