I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
