"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
