I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize