Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
