I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
