I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
