Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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