i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
