Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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