Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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