Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
