i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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