i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
