i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
