Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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