Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
