good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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