I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
