We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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