Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
