White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
