I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
