i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
