I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I am full of burrito and curiosity
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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