i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
