I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
