Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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