I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
