I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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