I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
