Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
