I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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