Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
