Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
