I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
