My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
