If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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