onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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