WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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