Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
