Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
